Time Travel: Not as rad as you might think

    If you’re anything like me, you’ll have spent a disproportionate amount of your time daydreaming about what you could do if you had a time machine. You could kill Hitler before he started World War II, you could steal the sheet music to all the best songs in the world and release them yourself, thereby becoming the greatest rock star ever. You could rob banks or gamble on sports events you already knew the results of. You could even go back to before civilisation had caught on as a good idea and set up your own “perfect” society. This all seems pretty awesome, but there are significant logistical problems involved...

KILLING HITLER

This may seem like a good idea, and a pretty straightforward one, but it does present a rather large problem. Let’s say for the sake of argument that you did go back to before Herr Dickhead became a prominent politician. Back to when he was still in jail, following WWI. You could shank him in the prison shower or something and save the slaughter of millions in the greatest conflict the world has ever known. But Hitler didn’t live in a vacuum. He wasn’t alone in his bitter disappointment with being on the losing side of the First World War. He had buddies. And they were just as batshit crazy as he was. So the only way you’re going to stop WWII from happening is to stalk around Germany serial-killing everyone who had anything to do with the National Socialist Party. And you’d have to keep a list somewhere that you brought back from the present (future). You’d have to be the world’s best serial-whackadoodle to not get caught slaughtering a bunch of people in a country you probably don’t know much about in a time-period you know nothing of. And if you did get caught, what are you gonna say?

Have you seen this Nazi?

BECOMING THE WORLD’S GREATEST ROCK STAR

Another good idea, on the surface of it. But the problem here is that the songs are only half the equation. Jimi Hendrix isn’t just remembered for playing awesome guitar riffs, he’s remembered for playing them with his teeth. ACDC don’t just do great rock songs, they do great rock PERFORMANCES. And the best rock stars all started out on a “scene” of some sort. They got to know the right people, who introduced them to the right people, who got them the right record deal at the right time, etc. etc. Fame is a lottery, and the chances of you making it big without being a damned good performer are basically zero. The only way you’d be able to get away with doing your stolen music in the past is if you’re a good enough performer to make it big in the present. And if you are that good, you’re probably already famous, so what’s the point of going anywhere?

You're definitely not this awesome.

ROBBING BANKS AND BETTING ON SPORTS

You could do that, sure, but chances are you’d get shot and killed or arrested eventually. Law enforcement is reactive, not proactive, and the second you do something different to how things went down, well, the ripple effect would tear you a new one. Not the best plan. And as for sports, well, as soon as you get a reputation, the big boys are gonna notice. Athletes are a notoriously superstitious bunch, so your “predictions” are gonna carry a lot more weight with them when they realise you’re always right. And the coaches and managers are gonna start paying attention too. Especially when it comes to trading season. At best, you’ll have a single season to make as much as you can, and you’ll have every bookie in the world breathing down your neck, convinced you’re somehow robbing them. And the bookies and their assorted goons are not the kind of people who breathe down your neck in a pleasurable way.

You can steal money, but you can't steal fashion sense.

SETTING UP YOUR OWN CIVILISATION

This seems the best idea for any would-be dictator/god/progenitor-of-all-that-is-good, but it comes at a fairly high cost. For instance, how are you gonna feed your new society? You’d have to take a farmer with you. And farm equipment (or someone with the knowhow to construct farming implements from the natural world around you). You’d need a structural engineer with a good knowledge of construction using only the most rudimentary of tools and materials. You’d need a paleobotanist with a good knowledge of the plantlife of the specific timeperiod you’d decided to travel to so you don’t accidentally poison yourself and your team. You’d need female companionship for the team, as well as to ensure the propagation of your society. You’d need people to build the tools you need to build the tools you need to build all the modern conveniences you’d decided you wanted your society to have. Pretty soon, you’ve swelled your ranks from just a handful to “just” a few thousand. Basically, you’d have to take an entire city back with you, and once you’ve gotten back to where you want to go, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be the leader for very long. In fact the more you think about it, the worse the idea becomes.

And they said I couldn't build a house on sand.

In conclusion, then, time travel may seem like a good idea when you see it in movies, but it would probably suck in real life. You’re better off where you are right now (unless you’re homeless, in which case, how the hell are you reading this website right now? Don’t you have better things to spend your money on? Like food, shelter, alcohol or glue?)

I know some weird people...

     For instance, a guy I studied with about 11 or 12 years ago had a plan to have his wife have a waterbirth. Then, he was going to teach his kids to swim at an unusually early age, and have them swim for at least three hours every day, until they were old enough to have waterbirthed kids of their own, and then make them swim for at least four hours a day, etc. etc. His idea was that in a thousand years, his progeny would have evolved into a race of merpeople, and he would be remembered as their forefather. He’s obviously not the most orthodox Muslim in the world, and there are better ways to leave your name in the pages of history.

I know another guy who constantly tweets “RIP (insert celebrity name here)” messages on twitter, even when they’re not dead, and even occasionally when they’re busy hosting award shows live on worldwide television. When I asked him why he did it, he told me that he was attempting to kill by ESPN, and that eventually he’d get it right and replace Morgan Freeman as the Head Of The Assasins. Clearly he didn’t see the end of the movie. And he’s crazy. And he can’t tell the difference between New Age hocus-pocus and a popular sports channel.

     There's the girl I was in film school with who dressed like a goth and played Cradle Of Filth on iPod loud enough for it to come tumbling out her headphones at around a million decibels, but decorated her car in Mickey Mouse paraphernalia (with absolutely no irony intended). There’s the kid who dressed in camouflage all the time and went around hunting snakes. In urban environments. Usually malls and other retail outlets. There’s the guy who bought branded clothing and then insisted on wearing it inside out cause he refused to be a part of the “global capitalist name-brand conspiracy”, and the guy truly believes David Icke writes historical non-fiction. The twins who believe they were abducted and impregnated by aliens and are now searching for their kidnapped crossbreed children. The girl who believes the world was created in literally and exactly seven days a few thousand years ago, and that the Bible is a historical document. The girl who believes that evolution is a lie, and that it’s evil (not realising that it can’t be both... either it’s real and evil, or it’s a lie and it doesn’t exist and therefore can’t be anything, much less evil...)

     The list goes on and on, and I guess some people would write these crazies off without so much as a second thought. But I wouldn’t have them any other way. The whole world is full of so-called “normal” people, and for the most part, they’re all boring as hell. Life isn’t about living inside a tiny little box and never experiencing anything outside of own comfort zones. It’s about finding and enjoying new experiences. It’s about learning a little more each day, and growing as a person. It’s about boldly going where we’ve never gone before. It’s about meeting new people and seeing things from their point of view. Sure, you might not agree with them, you might now even like them, but to write them off as freaks simply because they see the world differently than you isn’t just ignorant, it’s spitting in the face of life itself.

     To live a life of endless repetition and countless rehashing of the same old thing day after day isn’t a life at all. It’s a living death. So to all my weird-ass friends I say “Shine on, you freakish diamonds!” The world would be an unbearably dull place without you.

Why I Hate Mike Peralta

     Allow me to take you back in time to Friday, March 25^th, 2011. On this particular day in history, through an odd confluence of events, #MikePeralta became a Trending Topic on twitter. Now, I remind you that this was in the middle of Idols season. But Mike wasn’t on that season. In fact, he had nothing to do with that show whatsoever. He was just an independent musician with an online-only distribution system. So how did he become a #TT? The release of a new single? Some sort of mp3 giveaway? A charity event / endorsement? No. HE SIMPLY ASKED FOR IT.

     Musicians and their music have become the ultimate disposable commodity. No one remembers what they were listening to a year ago, and they certainly don’t remember (or care about) the musicians who rocked their 2010. But this guy actually tries to instil a sense of community amongst his listeners. He decides that far from being #FollowFriday, he’s gonna make it #MikePeraltaFriday.

     Now, the Idols contestants, who really are the stars of the season, have so far not come anywhere near being a #TT in their own right. It seems that no-one cares about the stars of the future anymore. Instead of building a career in the traditional, tried-and-tested method of appearing on a reality show singing other people’s songs, Mike Peralta has decided to do things on his own. Instead of the endless round of cover versions of proven hits, Mike has decided to write his own “honest, from-the-heart” material. And this is obviously a big mistake. His Substance-Over-Style approach is hopelessly outdated. No one wants to hear about your break-ups and make-ups, Mike, people want to hear you sing “Mandy”. The days of being original are far behind us, and doing your own songs is almost pre-historic. This guy could easily be the next Barry Manilow or George Michael, but NOOOO! He decides he wants to be the first Mike Peralta. I’ve got news for you, Mike, you’re not the next George Michael, and you won’t be, until you learn to sell out like everybody else.

    And now, let’s fast forward to the present day. I pick up the latest edition of Headcleaner Magazine, and there, on page 38, is Mike Peralta. For nearly two whole pages he berates me for my comedy style. He says I’m not funny cause I talk in depth about my styles of masturbation, my hunting habits, my lengthly  description of my neighbour’s car, etc. even though the rest of the crowd is literally pissing themselves. He says that I rely on shock value, even though my tour was clearly titled “Shock And Awe”, which should’ve been a clue. And just when it seems things couldn’t get any worse, he has the nerve to disagree with me when I assert that Judge Mathis is better than Judge Judy. Judge Mathis would so clearly win at Hungry, Hungry Hippos AND a no-holds-barred falls-count-anywhere match that it’s impossible for anyone to side with Judge Judy.

In summary, Mike Peralta smells like old cheese, and if he wants to engage in a twitter war, he’d better purchase himself a tweet-proof vest, cause I’ll throw it down.

My Beef with Mike Peralta part 1

Those of you who know anything about me will know that I’ve had a few beefs in my career, but none as serious as the one I have with Mike Peralta. Well, Mike did an interview with Headcleaner Magazine this month, where he had a lot to say about me. I’ve transcribed portions of the interview below, along with my response. You wanna heat things up, Mike, you’d better be ready to get cooked.

HEADCLEANER: So, why the beef between you and Shea Woodrow?

MIKE PERALTA: I just don’t find him funny. At all. I know his last tour was called “Shock & Awe”, but that’s no reason to drop the f-bomb every 5 seconds.

SHEA WOODROW: Not funny? I’ll have you know that no less an authority than Vince McMahon himself called me “The Funniest Man In The Known Universe”. So There.

HC: Not funny? You’ve gotta admit, his bit about discovering masturbation during “Who’s The Boss?” was hilarious…

MP: Alright, that made me chuckle, but the rest is uncalled for. Especially his bit about hunting rabbits with a Gattling gun. That’s not funny, its just cruel.

SW: You call it cruel, I call it “a sporting chance”. Those little buggers have sharp teeth. REALLY SHARP.

HC: So it has nothing to do with his dissing you on stage then?

MP: No, absolutely not. I think he’s just using my name to further his own career.

ME: Of course I am. Thank you for pointing out the obvious. I shall now hack into your twitter account and change your bio to read: Pointer Out Of The Obvious.

HC: But he did initially call you his favourite “Indie-folksy-bastard-love-child-of-Sublime-and-Joy-Division…

MP: He did, and I took it as a compliment at the time. But I realized that he could mean that I’m the sucky parts of those two bands sucked together to make an even bigger suck…

SW: It was a compliment, at the time, but now it means that you’ve taken the sucky parts of those two bands and sucked them together to make an even bigger suck. As they say…

HC: So there’s no truth to the rumor that he’s the father of what you thought was your child then?

MP: No, of course not.

SW: Well, actually…

And it went on like that for another two pages. If that doesn’t scream “Warning! Dangerous obsessive!” then I don’t know what does. I mean, lets face it, any musician who’s better at taking pictures than his own music video director is, is in trouble. This guy’s so obviously in love with me and everything I do, I’m surprised he hasn’t dedicated a cover of Bryan Adams’ Robin Hood song to me yet.