Time Travel: Not as rad as you might think

    If you’re anything like me, you’ll have spent a disproportionate amount of your time daydreaming about what you could do if you had a time machine. You could kill Hitler before he started World War II, you could steal the sheet music to all the best songs in the world and release them yourself, thereby becoming the greatest rock star ever. You could rob banks or gamble on sports events you already knew the results of. You could even go back to before civilisation had caught on as a good idea and set up your own “perfect” society. This all seems pretty awesome, but there are significant logistical problems involved...

KILLING HITLER

This may seem like a good idea, and a pretty straightforward one, but it does present a rather large problem. Let’s say for the sake of argument that you did go back to before Herr Dickhead became a prominent politician. Back to when he was still in jail, following WWI. You could shank him in the prison shower or something and save the slaughter of millions in the greatest conflict the world has ever known. But Hitler didn’t live in a vacuum. He wasn’t alone in his bitter disappointment with being on the losing side of the First World War. He had buddies. And they were just as batshit crazy as he was. So the only way you’re going to stop WWII from happening is to stalk around Germany serial-killing everyone who had anything to do with the National Socialist Party. And you’d have to keep a list somewhere that you brought back from the present (future). You’d have to be the world’s best serial-whackadoodle to not get caught slaughtering a bunch of people in a country you probably don’t know much about in a time-period you know nothing of. And if you did get caught, what are you gonna say?

Have you seen this Nazi?

BECOMING THE WORLD’S GREATEST ROCK STAR

Another good idea, on the surface of it. But the problem here is that the songs are only half the equation. Jimi Hendrix isn’t just remembered for playing awesome guitar riffs, he’s remembered for playing them with his teeth. ACDC don’t just do great rock songs, they do great rock PERFORMANCES. And the best rock stars all started out on a “scene” of some sort. They got to know the right people, who introduced them to the right people, who got them the right record deal at the right time, etc. etc. Fame is a lottery, and the chances of you making it big without being a damned good performer are basically zero. The only way you’d be able to get away with doing your stolen music in the past is if you’re a good enough performer to make it big in the present. And if you are that good, you’re probably already famous, so what’s the point of going anywhere?

You're definitely not this awesome.

ROBBING BANKS AND BETTING ON SPORTS

You could do that, sure, but chances are you’d get shot and killed or arrested eventually. Law enforcement is reactive, not proactive, and the second you do something different to how things went down, well, the ripple effect would tear you a new one. Not the best plan. And as for sports, well, as soon as you get a reputation, the big boys are gonna notice. Athletes are a notoriously superstitious bunch, so your “predictions” are gonna carry a lot more weight with them when they realise you’re always right. And the coaches and managers are gonna start paying attention too. Especially when it comes to trading season. At best, you’ll have a single season to make as much as you can, and you’ll have every bookie in the world breathing down your neck, convinced you’re somehow robbing them. And the bookies and their assorted goons are not the kind of people who breathe down your neck in a pleasurable way.

You can steal money, but you can't steal fashion sense.

SETTING UP YOUR OWN CIVILISATION

This seems the best idea for any would-be dictator/god/progenitor-of-all-that-is-good, but it comes at a fairly high cost. For instance, how are you gonna feed your new society? You’d have to take a farmer with you. And farm equipment (or someone with the knowhow to construct farming implements from the natural world around you). You’d need a structural engineer with a good knowledge of construction using only the most rudimentary of tools and materials. You’d need a paleobotanist with a good knowledge of the plantlife of the specific timeperiod you’d decided to travel to so you don’t accidentally poison yourself and your team. You’d need female companionship for the team, as well as to ensure the propagation of your society. You’d need people to build the tools you need to build the tools you need to build all the modern conveniences you’d decided you wanted your society to have. Pretty soon, you’ve swelled your ranks from just a handful to “just” a few thousand. Basically, you’d have to take an entire city back with you, and once you’ve gotten back to where you want to go, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be the leader for very long. In fact the more you think about it, the worse the idea becomes.

And they said I couldn't build a house on sand.

In conclusion, then, time travel may seem like a good idea when you see it in movies, but it would probably suck in real life. You’re better off where you are right now (unless you’re homeless, in which case, how the hell are you reading this website right now? Don’t you have better things to spend your money on? Like food, shelter, alcohol or glue?)