My Beef with Mike Peralta part 1

Those of you who know anything about me will know that I’ve had a few beefs in my career, but none as serious as the one I have with Mike Peralta. Well, Mike did an interview with Headcleaner Magazine this month, where he had a lot to say about me. I’ve transcribed portions of the interview below, along with my response. You wanna heat things up, Mike, you’d better be ready to get cooked.

HEADCLEANER: So, why the beef between you and Shea Woodrow?

MIKE PERALTA: I just don’t find him funny. At all. I know his last tour was called “Shock & Awe”, but that’s no reason to drop the f-bomb every 5 seconds.

SHEA WOODROW: Not funny? I’ll have you know that no less an authority than Vince McMahon himself called me “The Funniest Man In The Known Universe”. So There.

HC: Not funny? You’ve gotta admit, his bit about discovering masturbation during “Who’s The Boss?” was hilarious…

MP: Alright, that made me chuckle, but the rest is uncalled for. Especially his bit about hunting rabbits with a Gattling gun. That’s not funny, its just cruel.

SW: You call it cruel, I call it “a sporting chance”. Those little buggers have sharp teeth. REALLY SHARP.

HC: So it has nothing to do with his dissing you on stage then?

MP: No, absolutely not. I think he’s just using my name to further his own career.

ME: Of course I am. Thank you for pointing out the obvious. I shall now hack into your twitter account and change your bio to read: Pointer Out Of The Obvious.

HC: But he did initially call you his favourite “Indie-folksy-bastard-love-child-of-Sublime-and-Joy-Division…

MP: He did, and I took it as a compliment at the time. But I realized that he could mean that I’m the sucky parts of those two bands sucked together to make an even bigger suck…

SW: It was a compliment, at the time, but now it means that you’ve taken the sucky parts of those two bands and sucked them together to make an even bigger suck. As they say…

HC: So there’s no truth to the rumor that he’s the father of what you thought was your child then?

MP: No, of course not.

SW: Well, actually…

And it went on like that for another two pages. If that doesn’t scream “Warning! Dangerous obsessive!” then I don’t know what does. I mean, lets face it, any musician who’s better at taking pictures than his own music video director is, is in trouble. This guy’s so obviously in love with me and everything I do, I’m surprised he hasn’t dedicated a cover of Bryan Adams’ Robin Hood song to me yet.