Charlie Sheen VS Barney Stinson

Over the past few days/weeks, Charlie Sheen has become something of a folk hero for the hard-partying, hard-living catchphrase loving set. But before there was WINNING, there was LEGENDARY. Before TIGERBLOOD there was SUIT UP. Before there was PAYING FOR SEX there was USING YOUR OWN INITIATIVE. So how does Chucky Sheen stack up against the King Of Awesome? Let’s compare.

Early Life

Carlos Estevez was born into a Hollywood family, being the son of Martin Sheen and Janet Templeton, in New York City in 1965. He has two brothers and a sister, who are all actors. He made his first movie appearance at age 9, in his father’s 1974 film The Execution Of Private Slovik. Building a career for based on your family name instead of your own ability isn’t cool, so its -1 point for Sheen.

Barney Stinson, on the other hand, was born in 1976 and raised in Staten Island, to Loretta Stinson  and either Bob Barker +1 or Jerome Whittaker(?) -1. Barney has one brother, James, who is African-American, and gay. (+1 for Barney for diversity) As a child, Barney dreamt of being a violinist -1 and was a hippy who dreamt of joining the Peace Corps.

Score: Sheen 1 Stinson 1

Career

Sheen, currently unemployed -1 is best known for his roles in Wall Street +1, Hot Shots! +1 Hot Shots! Part Deux +1 and for being the unfunny guy on Two & A Half Men -1.

Stinson is a Highest Level Executive +1 at Goliath National Bank +1, and is one of the few bankers who has managed to maintain his career and lifestyle throughout the economic crisis of 2007 – present. He is also the author of the bestseller The Bro Code +1.

Score: Sheen 1 Stinson 3

Ladies’ Man

Sheen has been married 3 times -3 and is known for sleeping with porn stars +1 and for paying for prostitutes -5. He is also known to have threatened ex-wife Denise Richards with physical abuse -1 and to have shot his ex-fiancee, Kelly Preston, in the arm -2. On August 2, 2008, Sheen plead guilty to misdemeanour assault against then-wife Brooke Mueller as part of a plea bargain -2. His most famous conquests have been the aforementioned actresses and prostitutes.

Barney Stinson has never been married +1 and is known for sleeping with more than 200 women +5, none of which, to this writer’s knowledge, have been prostitutes +1. Stinson has had two serious relationships in his life, one of which was in college, and the other was early morning news anchor Robin Scherbatsky. His most famous conquest- ‘that chick from Days Of Our Lives' +1

Score: Sheen -12 Stinson 8

Catchphrases

Stinson is known for his catchphrases Suit Up +1 which has led to International Suit-Up Day (October 13) +1, Legendary +1, wait for it +1, Challenge Accepted! +1 and True Story +1. His Awesome! And AWESOMENESS have their own successful line of posters +1 and have become ubiquitous in popular culture, to the point that Awesome! Has been co-opted by WWE Champion The Miz -1

Score: Sheen 2 Stinson 6

Known Character Flaws

 Sheen is also a confirmed alcoholic and drug addict, who has done numerous stints in rehabilitation facilities -2.

Stinson is a social drinker +1 and has had no known drug problems +1. He is a gambling addict -1 and has an inability to decline challenges, no matter how ridiculous they are -1

Score: Sheen -2 Stinson 0

Final Score: Sheen -10 Stinson 18

And the winner by a full 28 points, Barney Stinson!

 

The Truth Is In Here

NASA’s brainiacs have sprung several world changing revelations on us in the past few months. From the discovery of more than a thousand exoplanets to the “bombshell” that there is, as Tom Cruise has been telling us for years, life out in space.

Life which looks suspiciously like the things we try very hard to clean off our toilet seats.

These discoveries have vindicated Scientology, and shown us that they weren’t the lunatics we assumed they were all along. However, they are a highly controversial organisation, even without their actual liturgy, and since I don’t fancy cleaning Mr. Mapother’s home for a pittance, I propose a new religion to take advantage of our new, less ‘special’ place in the cosmos.

The Booger Of God

According to the published reports, the alien life-forms are microbes, or some such thingy, yucky thing. And we all know that tiny yucky things live in and on our snot. It should take no stretch of the imagination then to envisage the meteors that these little yuck-monsters arrived on Earth on as The Boogers Of God. Think of them as tiny little Galactica’s, and the microthings as Cylons. It seems obvious then that The Big Bang was Actually The Big Sneeze.

Now, if you’re of an eschatological bent, you may be asking “What does this mean for my Apocalypse?”, but fear not, for we all know that every sneeze is followed by a wiping on a sleeve. This will, of course, happen on a cosmological timescale, so we here on Earth will experience The Great Wipe as a millennia-long “grind” which will slowly eat away at the Earth from one side, forcing a major section of the population to migrate to the opposite end of the planet.

And when that happens, pray you have enough space, cause I’m not sharing mine with anyone.

Why are straight men attracted to lesbians?

Because they're Lesbians.

Next question.

A Grand Adventure!

Having No Discernable Social Skills of My Own, I recently endeavoured to Journey to A Nightclub, in hopes of Better Understanding the Principles of Socialisation. In the Interests of Science, I took it Upon Myself to Record the Event, for Future Study. I have Transcribed my Notes, for your Perusal, beginning immediately After Completing My Ablutions. Hopefully, this will Be Of  Some Use to You in similar Endevours in Your Ow Personal Lives.

10:15pm After literally Minutes of debating My Options, I've decide to pare My Checkered Sweatervest with My Denim Slacks and White Sneakers.

10:37pm As per the Boyscouts Code, I have stopped to purchase Prophylactics before entering the 'Club' proper. Expectations are high.

10:49pm I appear to have taken a wrong turn as I am now in an Adjoining Postal Code. Am backtracking My steps.

11:05pm My unexpected detour over, I have now arrived. At 11:05pm, I still consider myself  'Fashionably Punctual'.

11:10pm After a mandatory but pleasant Physical Exam, I have now entered the Establishment. Let the Fraternisation commence.

11:30pm Music is being played at high decibel levels and has a Pulsating, Monotonous rythm. The Youngsters appear to be enjoying Themselves.

11:36pm The Youngsters seem to be congregating in Circular Formations and imbibing copious amounts of Alcohol. I will now attempt to engage Them.

11:52pm My initial attempts at socialising having failed, I shal now retire to the Bar for a Much-Needed Victual.

12:05am I have attempted to converse with a Female. I believe the Correct Terminology is "Opening Batsman out for a Duck." Morale still High.

12:10am The 'Disc Jockey' and Crowd appear to be Operating on some sort of Call-And-Response System which is fascinating, but so far indecypherable...

12:29am I am now 'Oh For Two'. This is not as Pleasant as it sounds. I will therefore include the Paradoxically titled 'Frowning Smiley', to wit -> :(

12:34am A Vast Number of the Natives' Social Interactions appear to begin with Declarations of the Speaker's level of Intoxication, to which the Listeners respond with equal or greater reciprocity, in what appears to be an Animistic Display of 'Oneupsmanship'.

12:46am Feeling certain that I brushed My Teeth before departing, I must surmise that this Young Damsel is a Lesbian.

12:50am The music has changed tempo. There now appears to be some sort of Mass Epileptic 'Event' occuring on the Dancefloor Area, however, having no Formal Medical Training, I fear I am of no use, and am forced to Observe, Impotently, from a Position Of Safety.

12:55am Far from feeling disrespected, however, the 'DJ' appears to be Encouraging this Behaviour, and is Literally Encouraging the Herd to 'Throw Its Hands In The Air' and to 'Wave Them Like They Just Don't Care', which I can only assume is an Unexplained Ritual of possible Communal or Spiritual Importance.

01:10am Having encountered another Saphhic, My hopes of a Successful Rendezvous are Diminishing.

01:18am Having Stepped Outside for some fresh air and a Fresh Perspective, I am now witnessing what seems to be a Combat Ritual. Two Alpha-Males are engaging in a Heated Exchange over the 'Ownership' of a Female... there appears to be much Name-Calling, and several references to Copulating With The Rival's Mother. Despite their vulgarity, or perhaps because of it, these Verbal Barbs are having the Desired Effect. There is now much Pushing and Shoving occurring, however, this does not seem to be Impressing The Female, who is Visibly Yawning. Were it not for the Threat Of Physical Harm, I would certainly be 'Taking My Chances' in Engaging the Femme.

01:28am The Combat has been Interrupted by the Local Law Enforcement Agency, thereby negating the Small Wager I had placed with a Local Pundit. However, the Young Female has vanished, thereby also negating My Continued Presense. I shall therefore Re-Enter the Establishment.

01:29am Upon Re-Entry, I am Surprised To Discover that the Chaizze-Lounges are now being Occupied by Numerous Males, Who Appear to have been Rendered Unconcious by the Effects of the Previously Mentioned Copious Amounts Of Alcohol. This does not seem to Surprise the Locals, Who seem to Take Such Behaviour for Granted...

01:45am Given the Lateness of the Hour, I must Confess to some Fatigue of My Own. However, I must Persevere, if not for My sake, then for The Sake Of Science!

02:00am Having had My advances Rejected yet Again, and with the Thinning Out Of The Herd due to Numerous other Successful Couplings, the Prospects of Imminent Coitus seem to be Fading. Morale has now Flagged to a Dangerous Low...

02:19am A Fifth Rejection has just occurred. Perhaps I did indeed Wander into Some Sort of Saphhic 'Cigar Evening' by Accident...

02:20am I have Resolved to make one Last Ditch Effort to achieve Coitus before Admitting Defeat and Retiring to My Boudoir, Alone and Embarrassed...

02:34am I appear to have Made The Mistake of approaching a Female who is Already 'Taken' by a Rather Large Specimen of Male, clad in what appears to be a Sports-related Stretch Fit Top, obstensibly worn by the Local Rugby Team.

02:35am The Male seems to be Under The Impression that I suffer Some Form of Retrograde Amnesia, which can only be Cured by Physical Therapy, as He keeps asking Me who I think I am, while Poking Me in My Chest. My Tactic is to Wait until the Male becomes Distracted, then Hide in the Bathroom until such time as He departs the Premises...

3am My Cunning Plan has failed, and Consequently, I have been Struck On The Nose. My Proboscis now Bleeding (and Possibly Broken), I shall now Take My Leave, stopping on my Journey Homeward only to have a Medical Consultation with one of the Fair City's fine Emergency Care Professionals.

Excelsior!

An open letter to Charlie Sheen

Dear Mr. Sheen,

   Unlike you, sir, I am not a winner. I do not have tiger's blood pumping through my veins. I have never had more than one female companion living with me at one time. I have never been implicated in prostitution scandals, or had my sexual escapades made public in a court of law. I have never had the opportunity to besmirch my father's reputation or good standing in his community.

   Pornographic actresses are light on the ground in my small mining community, and the cocaine tastes suspiciously of Nutrasweet. I have never had the opportunity to offend the Semitic demographic, as my only Jewish friend's name is Craig.
 
   I have not earned anywhere near $2million in my entire life, let alone for a single week's work. I have always tried to make what work I do find for myself stand out for its quality and attention to detail. I have always known that I am not the most talented individual in my workplace, but I have strived to make sure that I am the hardest working. I have made sacrifices to secure my future, and the future of my children, and have always tried to be a good role model to them.

   However, sir, all of this has come to naught, as my quality of life remains far inferior to yours. I fear that if things don't change, I may well be forced to live my life vicariously through you. I do not wish to seem overeager, sir, but I must know your secret. I have a burning desire to escape the drudgery of my life on this Earth, and like you, soar into the cosmos. I must make my mark on the collective consciousness of this generation. I would literally kill to have your good fortune and blessings, as well as the opportunity to piss them all away against the wall.

   In short, sir, I need to know how to be a winner, just like you. I implore you, sir, to share your secret. Not just for me and my own personal benefit, but for the good of the entire planet. For this generation, and for generations to come. I beg you, Mr. Sheen, teach us all how to become winners.

I remain, as always,
Your Humble Fan.