Why I Hate Mike Peralta

     Allow me to take you back in time to Friday, March 25^th, 2011. On this particular day in history, through an odd confluence of events, #MikePeralta became a Trending Topic on twitter. Now, I remind you that this was in the middle of Idols season. But Mike wasn’t on that season. In fact, he had nothing to do with that show whatsoever. He was just an independent musician with an online-only distribution system. So how did he become a #TT? The release of a new single? Some sort of mp3 giveaway? A charity event / endorsement? No. HE SIMPLY ASKED FOR IT.

     Musicians and their music have become the ultimate disposable commodity. No one remembers what they were listening to a year ago, and they certainly don’t remember (or care about) the musicians who rocked their 2010. But this guy actually tries to instil a sense of community amongst his listeners. He decides that far from being #FollowFriday, he’s gonna make it #MikePeraltaFriday.

     Now, the Idols contestants, who really are the stars of the season, have so far not come anywhere near being a #TT in their own right. It seems that no-one cares about the stars of the future anymore. Instead of building a career in the traditional, tried-and-tested method of appearing on a reality show singing other people’s songs, Mike Peralta has decided to do things on his own. Instead of the endless round of cover versions of proven hits, Mike has decided to write his own “honest, from-the-heart” material. And this is obviously a big mistake. His Substance-Over-Style approach is hopelessly outdated. No one wants to hear about your break-ups and make-ups, Mike, people want to hear you sing “Mandy”. The days of being original are far behind us, and doing your own songs is almost pre-historic. This guy could easily be the next Barry Manilow or George Michael, but NOOOO! He decides he wants to be the first Mike Peralta. I’ve got news for you, Mike, you’re not the next George Michael, and you won’t be, until you learn to sell out like everybody else.

    And now, let’s fast forward to the present day. I pick up the latest edition of Headcleaner Magazine, and there, on page 38, is Mike Peralta. For nearly two whole pages he berates me for my comedy style. He says I’m not funny cause I talk in depth about my styles of masturbation, my hunting habits, my lengthly  description of my neighbour’s car, etc. even though the rest of the crowd is literally pissing themselves. He says that I rely on shock value, even though my tour was clearly titled “Shock And Awe”, which should’ve been a clue. And just when it seems things couldn’t get any worse, he has the nerve to disagree with me when I assert that Judge Mathis is better than Judge Judy. Judge Mathis would so clearly win at Hungry, Hungry Hippos AND a no-holds-barred falls-count-anywhere match that it’s impossible for anyone to side with Judge Judy.

In summary, Mike Peralta smells like old cheese, and if he wants to engage in a twitter war, he’d better purchase himself a tweet-proof vest, cause I’ll throw it down.