Unlike you, sir, I am not a winner. I do not have tiger's blood pumping through my veins. I have never had more than one female companion living with me at one time. I have never been implicated in prostitution scandals, or had my sexual escapades made public in a court of law. I have never had the opportunity to besmirch my father's reputation or good standing in his community.
Pornographic actresses are light on the ground in my small mining community, and the cocaine tastes suspiciously of Nutrasweet. I have never had the opportunity to offend the Semitic demographic, as my only Jewish friend's name is Craig.
I have not earned anywhere near $2million in my entire life, let alone for a single week's work. I have always tried to make what work I do find for myself stand out for its quality and attention to detail. I have always known that I am not the most talented individual in my workplace, but I have strived to make sure that I am the hardest working. I have made sacrifices to secure my future, and the future of my children, and have always tried to be a good role model to them.
However, sir, all of this has come to naught, as my quality of life remains far inferior to yours. I fear that if things don't change, I may well be forced to live my life vicariously through you. I do not wish to seem overeager, sir, but I must know your secret. I have a burning desire to escape the drudgery of my life on this Earth, and like you, soar into the cosmos. I must make my mark on the collective consciousness of this generation. I would literally kill to have your good fortune and blessings, as well as the opportunity to piss them all away against the wall.
In short, sir, I need to know how to be a winner, just like you. I implore you, sir, to share your secret. Not just for me and my own personal benefit, but for the good of the entire planet. For this generation, and for generations to come. I beg you, Mr. Sheen, teach us all how to become winners.
I remain, as always,
Your Humble Fan.
Classic!
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