A Grand Adventure!

Having No Discernable Social Skills of My Own, I recently endeavoured to Journey to A Nightclub, in hopes of Better Understanding the Principles of Socialisation. In the Interests of Science, I took it Upon Myself to Record the Event, for Future Study. I have Transcribed my Notes, for your Perusal, beginning immediately After Completing My Ablutions. Hopefully, this will Be Of  Some Use to You in similar Endevours in Your Ow Personal Lives.

10:15pm After literally Minutes of debating My Options, I've decide to pare My Checkered Sweatervest with My Denim Slacks and White Sneakers.

10:37pm As per the Boyscouts Code, I have stopped to purchase Prophylactics before entering the 'Club' proper. Expectations are high.

10:49pm I appear to have taken a wrong turn as I am now in an Adjoining Postal Code. Am backtracking My steps.

11:05pm My unexpected detour over, I have now arrived. At 11:05pm, I still consider myself  'Fashionably Punctual'.

11:10pm After a mandatory but pleasant Physical Exam, I have now entered the Establishment. Let the Fraternisation commence.

11:30pm Music is being played at high decibel levels and has a Pulsating, Monotonous rythm. The Youngsters appear to be enjoying Themselves.

11:36pm The Youngsters seem to be congregating in Circular Formations and imbibing copious amounts of Alcohol. I will now attempt to engage Them.

11:52pm My initial attempts at socialising having failed, I shal now retire to the Bar for a Much-Needed Victual.

12:05am I have attempted to converse with a Female. I believe the Correct Terminology is "Opening Batsman out for a Duck." Morale still High.

12:10am The 'Disc Jockey' and Crowd appear to be Operating on some sort of Call-And-Response System which is fascinating, but so far indecypherable...

12:29am I am now 'Oh For Two'. This is not as Pleasant as it sounds. I will therefore include the Paradoxically titled 'Frowning Smiley', to wit -> :(

12:34am A Vast Number of the Natives' Social Interactions appear to begin with Declarations of the Speaker's level of Intoxication, to which the Listeners respond with equal or greater reciprocity, in what appears to be an Animistic Display of 'Oneupsmanship'.

12:46am Feeling certain that I brushed My Teeth before departing, I must surmise that this Young Damsel is a Lesbian.

12:50am The music has changed tempo. There now appears to be some sort of Mass Epileptic 'Event' occuring on the Dancefloor Area, however, having no Formal Medical Training, I fear I am of no use, and am forced to Observe, Impotently, from a Position Of Safety.

12:55am Far from feeling disrespected, however, the 'DJ' appears to be Encouraging this Behaviour, and is Literally Encouraging the Herd to 'Throw Its Hands In The Air' and to 'Wave Them Like They Just Don't Care', which I can only assume is an Unexplained Ritual of possible Communal or Spiritual Importance.

01:10am Having encountered another Saphhic, My hopes of a Successful Rendezvous are Diminishing.

01:18am Having Stepped Outside for some fresh air and a Fresh Perspective, I am now witnessing what seems to be a Combat Ritual. Two Alpha-Males are engaging in a Heated Exchange over the 'Ownership' of a Female... there appears to be much Name-Calling, and several references to Copulating With The Rival's Mother. Despite their vulgarity, or perhaps because of it, these Verbal Barbs are having the Desired Effect. There is now much Pushing and Shoving occurring, however, this does not seem to be Impressing The Female, who is Visibly Yawning. Were it not for the Threat Of Physical Harm, I would certainly be 'Taking My Chances' in Engaging the Femme.

01:28am The Combat has been Interrupted by the Local Law Enforcement Agency, thereby negating the Small Wager I had placed with a Local Pundit. However, the Young Female has vanished, thereby also negating My Continued Presense. I shall therefore Re-Enter the Establishment.

01:29am Upon Re-Entry, I am Surprised To Discover that the Chaizze-Lounges are now being Occupied by Numerous Males, Who Appear to have been Rendered Unconcious by the Effects of the Previously Mentioned Copious Amounts Of Alcohol. This does not seem to Surprise the Locals, Who seem to Take Such Behaviour for Granted...

01:45am Given the Lateness of the Hour, I must Confess to some Fatigue of My Own. However, I must Persevere, if not for My sake, then for The Sake Of Science!

02:00am Having had My advances Rejected yet Again, and with the Thinning Out Of The Herd due to Numerous other Successful Couplings, the Prospects of Imminent Coitus seem to be Fading. Morale has now Flagged to a Dangerous Low...

02:19am A Fifth Rejection has just occurred. Perhaps I did indeed Wander into Some Sort of Saphhic 'Cigar Evening' by Accident...

02:20am I have Resolved to make one Last Ditch Effort to achieve Coitus before Admitting Defeat and Retiring to My Boudoir, Alone and Embarrassed...

02:34am I appear to have Made The Mistake of approaching a Female who is Already 'Taken' by a Rather Large Specimen of Male, clad in what appears to be a Sports-related Stretch Fit Top, obstensibly worn by the Local Rugby Team.

02:35am The Male seems to be Under The Impression that I suffer Some Form of Retrograde Amnesia, which can only be Cured by Physical Therapy, as He keeps asking Me who I think I am, while Poking Me in My Chest. My Tactic is to Wait until the Male becomes Distracted, then Hide in the Bathroom until such time as He departs the Premises...

3am My Cunning Plan has failed, and Consequently, I have been Struck On The Nose. My Proboscis now Bleeding (and Possibly Broken), I shall now Take My Leave, stopping on my Journey Homeward only to have a Medical Consultation with one of the Fair City's fine Emergency Care Professionals.

Excelsior!