The Truth Is In Here

NASA’s brainiacs have sprung several world changing revelations on us in the past few months. From the discovery of more than a thousand exoplanets to the “bombshell” that there is, as Tom Cruise has been telling us for years, life out in space.

Life which looks suspiciously like the things we try very hard to clean off our toilet seats.

These discoveries have vindicated Scientology, and shown us that they weren’t the lunatics we assumed they were all along. However, they are a highly controversial organisation, even without their actual liturgy, and since I don’t fancy cleaning Mr. Mapother’s home for a pittance, I propose a new religion to take advantage of our new, less ‘special’ place in the cosmos.

The Booger Of God

According to the published reports, the alien life-forms are microbes, or some such thingy, yucky thing. And we all know that tiny yucky things live in and on our snot. It should take no stretch of the imagination then to envisage the meteors that these little yuck-monsters arrived on Earth on as The Boogers Of God. Think of them as tiny little Galactica’s, and the microthings as Cylons. It seems obvious then that The Big Bang was Actually The Big Sneeze.

Now, if you’re of an eschatological bent, you may be asking “What does this mean for my Apocalypse?”, but fear not, for we all know that every sneeze is followed by a wiping on a sleeve. This will, of course, happen on a cosmological timescale, so we here on Earth will experience The Great Wipe as a millennia-long “grind” which will slowly eat away at the Earth from one side, forcing a major section of the population to migrate to the opposite end of the planet.

And when that happens, pray you have enough space, cause I’m not sharing mine with anyone.